Demons Within

Adversity is the defining moment of someone’s true being. The things that are done and said during those times tell the truth of what a person is really like. Finding that troubling times are shaking me to the core I must rely on what I have left that is important to help me stand strong.

My neighbor and friend Charlie stopped by last week to check on me and see if I needed anything for the house. After speaking in quite some depth the topic of my MRI slides came up. He works for GE installing and maintaining MRI machines throughout the southeast and was wondering if I had a copy of my images. I replied “Yes I do” however I have never looked at them in detail as I felt sick every time I tried. Charlie being the intellect said “go get em” I’ll show you, you have nothing to fear.

Booting up my laptop he sat next to me on the floor in the living room as he proceeded to open the MRI reports. I was apprehensive at first because the last time I viewed them was at Dr. Goodmans office in Rochester NY. My family were the only ones in the room as the doctor tried to explain the significant findings and what they meant. I looked away as the Dr. Goodman tried to describe what he saw as the bitter taste of reality was setting in for me. I tried listening as he continued with his description but all I could hear was a loud ring of “you have MS!!!”.

Feeling more comfortable on the floor at home with Charlie than in the hospital environment I was able to listen clearly as he move thru the images.
Charlie very calmly showed the slices of my brain teaching me about each different part and its function. He continued the journey one slide at a time until he paused for a moment, studied it and said coldly “ well Derek, there it is”. In black and white there it was, my Demon, spots on my brain that should not be there. I was not afraid this time because I knew my demons’ name. “MS”

Understanding the only good thing I can define is the demon of physical pain since I have a picture and a name, however, my emotional ones remain.

Trying to understand myself as an individual I have been very fortunate to speak with counselors and family members to figure out what about my past has molded me into the human being I am today. Discovering many things good and bad I recognize that things that happen as children directly impact us as an adult. Comments made then can scar for a lifetime. My father was very physically abusive towards me while I was a child and I harbored ill will towards him until he recently passed away.

While my aunt Winifred (my fathers sister) visited me last week she answered questions about my dad that made me understand what he did to me and why. He unfortunately was caught in the viscous family cycle of pain himself passed down from his own father to him and his two brothers. They carried the pain and were never able to release it. My point is I know who I am and the emotional demons that followed him still reside in me. The difference is I recognise and understand what I need to do to release them so I can move on to be a better person. There are people that I love that have emotional demons they cannot part with.

Forgive the transgressions of your past and let the demons go, Your life will be fufilled with happiness and true friendship.

Derek Lee