Here is the beginning of the end for me. My world has been changed again for the worse. If any of you have not heard Roxanne has left me and moved out. The house will be up for sale and my dreams are being flushed away. Regrettably I am not dealing with this very well and have done what I can to keep my sanity by reaching out to as many of my friends and family as I could. This will be the last time I try to mend my broken heart by asking for anyone’s help. I have burdened many of you with my pain and it does not seem to be relieving any of what I feel. I am devoid of any other words to explain how afull this feels.
I have tried to speak to Roxanne to find answers but it is excruciatingly painful as she has moved on emotionally. The conversations end up with me distraught trying to understand the reasons for the decision. I am left feeling as though it is my entire fault for not listening to what she needed. I thought that I was a good person by letting Roxanne be herself and not trying to not and change her. She had controlled me and I let it happen to make thing easier on both of us "not" because I didn't want responsibility. I did not think I was a weak person by doing that however, it has been brought to my attention that I was wrong because that is something that shows weakness which is not a very desirable trait. My life is not some Sex in the City episode, its real life with no story book ending.
I understand that people change over time but I thought you worked things out when times got tough and molded relationships as time progressed. No one is the same person they were twenty years ago but you accept subtle changes as a part of them and work on the things that you do not like to make yourself a better person and keep the relationship alive. That is what I have always done trying to never hurt anyone.
I thought MS was the worst thing that could happen to me, and that time would help me deal with it. Knowing that someone would be there to help thru the strugles of MS was very comforting. Boy was I ever wrong. I was well on my way to taking charge of my life again just to have my foundation shattered. Physically I am worse off now than I was before I was diagnosed. Why me?, Why now?, What did I do wrong to deserve this?. These questions run over and over in my head every day. There are no answers.
I know that as with many marriages my life with Roxanne has had its ups and downs for sure but there were lots of good times too. I have enjoyed sharing my life with her and enjoyed making our dreams come true. It is very hurtful to me to see them all wasting away to a distant memory. I am not a callus person and find it hard to act like this is no big deal. My heart is torn from me and is crushed by what is happening. I could never turn away from someone in need no matter what.
I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time! I have been told I complain too much about my health, Roxanne, I apologize. My Sister tried to make me realize that it is OK to tell someone how you feel and that is alright to share your pain and grief with people that really and truly care and love you! I do not want to be a burden to anyone.
My good friend Ty Egeseth has flown me to my sister’s house in NY to try and help me. He has come to my aid trying to help with no expectations for anything in return, just my friendship. Soon I will be traveling back to Orlando to try and piece my life together. Having so many uncertainties in my life is killing me! I hope that he and all that have tried to help me know how much it means to me to have wonderful friends. My life has been changed by all of you and I hope you will accept my gratitude. My wish is that you think of me as a funny, caring, loving person forever. For anyone that I have inadvertently harmed or done wrong please accept my apologies and forgive me.
Forgive me God for all my sins.
From the bottom of my heart,
I have tried to speak to Roxanne to find answers but it is excruciatingly painful as she has moved on emotionally. The conversations end up with me distraught trying to understand the reasons for the decision. I am left feeling as though it is my entire fault for not listening to what she needed. I thought that I was a good person by letting Roxanne be herself and not trying to not and change her. She had controlled me and I let it happen to make thing easier on both of us "not" because I didn't want responsibility. I did not think I was a weak person by doing that however, it has been brought to my attention that I was wrong because that is something that shows weakness which is not a very desirable trait. My life is not some Sex in the City episode, its real life with no story book ending.
I understand that people change over time but I thought you worked things out when times got tough and molded relationships as time progressed. No one is the same person they were twenty years ago but you accept subtle changes as a part of them and work on the things that you do not like to make yourself a better person and keep the relationship alive. That is what I have always done trying to never hurt anyone.
I thought MS was the worst thing that could happen to me, and that time would help me deal with it. Knowing that someone would be there to help thru the strugles of MS was very comforting. Boy was I ever wrong. I was well on my way to taking charge of my life again just to have my foundation shattered. Physically I am worse off now than I was before I was diagnosed. Why me?, Why now?, What did I do wrong to deserve this?. These questions run over and over in my head every day. There are no answers.
I know that as with many marriages my life with Roxanne has had its ups and downs for sure but there were lots of good times too. I have enjoyed sharing my life with her and enjoyed making our dreams come true. It is very hurtful to me to see them all wasting away to a distant memory. I am not a callus person and find it hard to act like this is no big deal. My heart is torn from me and is crushed by what is happening. I could never turn away from someone in need no matter what.
I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time! I have been told I complain too much about my health, Roxanne, I apologize. My Sister tried to make me realize that it is OK to tell someone how you feel and that is alright to share your pain and grief with people that really and truly care and love you! I do not want to be a burden to anyone.
My good friend Ty Egeseth has flown me to my sister’s house in NY to try and help me. He has come to my aid trying to help with no expectations for anything in return, just my friendship. Soon I will be traveling back to Orlando to try and piece my life together. Having so many uncertainties in my life is killing me! I hope that he and all that have tried to help me know how much it means to me to have wonderful friends. My life has been changed by all of you and I hope you will accept my gratitude. My wish is that you think of me as a funny, caring, loving person forever. For anyone that I have inadvertently harmed or done wrong please accept my apologies and forgive me.
Forgive me God for all my sins.
From the bottom of my heart,
Love
Derek Lee
Roxanne you win.....I am sorry
I love you Derek....
ReplyDeletexoxox Brandee xoxox
Derek,
ReplyDeleteYou will be better. We often stop short of the goal. Progress is the nature of life. Choose Life!
Wayne
(A friend who has been unable to reach you since hearing of your MS)