SIGNS

With my heart clear of my own transgressions from my past I feel the ability to move forward with the clear-cut challenges I face now. My physical resources being stripped from me I am in a hurried pace to catch up with my intellectual abilities. For a long time I have been known as Derek “the Mr. fix it guy”. I could do anything mechanical, repair something broken, build it from scratch, and make dreams come true. These things came very natural and with ease. I thank the gift from my father; work hard, do it right and revel in the fact that “YOU” did it. No longer able to do the same tasks I do not feel like I have a purpose and that I am defined as a man of no value any longer.

Things of the physical nature coming so easily to me my new challenges popping up now make it feel like I have entered the worst game of chess in my life. Every time life makes a move I have to analyze it and come up with a way to counteract it. Working on a counter strategy has become very difficult with so many variables that I cannot foresee. Let alone that I must face them alone. My friends close and far have been instrumental in helping with everything.

The only thing that they cannot help with is the loneliness that is overpowering. Unfortunately loneliness seems to hold hands with depression, as they are powerful allies.

Fortunately God sends signs my way just when I need them the most. Just this previous Thursday a friend from my past that I have not spoken to in many years called me. Our long phone conversation filled him in on my status. We discussed many things including the fact that his girlfriend of three years has MS of which she was diagnosed 13 years prior. He asked if it would be all right if they visited. I was very exited to re-connect and ask many question to someone that is afflicted with the same disease.

Friday afternoon arrived and so did my old friend with his new girlfriend. Not knowing what to expect as they knocked at the door, I was nervous to meet her. Introducing me he said, “I would like you to meet Amy”. Her chiseled face, perfect teeth, dark hair, and soft complexion mesmerized me. She was beautiful. As the cordials of not seeing someone for such a long time passed my focus was on speaking with Amy to ask unanswered questions about MS and her journey.

We discussed her trials and pitfalls for hours. It was a moving experience for me to sit in my house with someone I had so much in common with. It felt very comfortable. I was not afraid to ask personal questions and she seemed more than happy to oblige any answer. We laughed, we cried, and had an overall great conversation. I was under the impression that no one could love me now that I am damaged goods but she proved that there is hope after all. I am still the same funny guy as I always was.

The following day I was scheduled for my nurse to come and give me my IV of Solu-medrol. Amy’s kindness overwhelmed me, without hesitation she asked if she could visit with me after it was complete because she knew how ill it and my chemo medicine would make me feel. “It’s not good to be alone” she stated sympathetically.

The next day after my infusion was complete Amy brought three gallons of drinking water and several liters of mixed cranberry juices as she informed me I need to drink as much as I could it would help. She even brought a ham, cheese and cracker tray to eat while we sat and discussed her experience. Another sign that I was going to be OK.

My discussion of my marriage came up with my friend and he reassured me my self-esteem would return after my tragic experience. Knowing the kind of person I am he told me, “A man is not defined by what he does in front of people, its’ what he does when people are not looking that matters.” And reassured me that people that really know me would always be there to help no matter what happens.

God, thanks for the sign!!!

Derek Lee