Demons Within

Adversity is the defining moment of someone’s true being. The things that are done and said during those times tell the truth of what a person is really like. Finding that troubling times are shaking me to the core I must rely on what I have left that is important to help me stand strong.

My neighbor and friend Charlie stopped by last week to check on me and see if I needed anything for the house. After speaking in quite some depth the topic of my MRI slides came up. He works for GE installing and maintaining MRI machines throughout the southeast and was wondering if I had a copy of my images. I replied “Yes I do” however I have never looked at them in detail as I felt sick every time I tried. Charlie being the intellect said “go get em” I’ll show you, you have nothing to fear.

Booting up my laptop he sat next to me on the floor in the living room as he proceeded to open the MRI reports. I was apprehensive at first because the last time I viewed them was at Dr. Goodmans office in Rochester NY. My family were the only ones in the room as the doctor tried to explain the significant findings and what they meant. I looked away as the Dr. Goodman tried to describe what he saw as the bitter taste of reality was setting in for me. I tried listening as he continued with his description but all I could hear was a loud ring of “you have MS!!!”.

Feeling more comfortable on the floor at home with Charlie than in the hospital environment I was able to listen clearly as he move thru the images.
Charlie very calmly showed the slices of my brain teaching me about each different part and its function. He continued the journey one slide at a time until he paused for a moment, studied it and said coldly “ well Derek, there it is”. In black and white there it was, my Demon, spots on my brain that should not be there. I was not afraid this time because I knew my demons’ name. “MS”

Understanding the only good thing I can define is the demon of physical pain since I have a picture and a name, however, my emotional ones remain.

Trying to understand myself as an individual I have been very fortunate to speak with counselors and family members to figure out what about my past has molded me into the human being I am today. Discovering many things good and bad I recognize that things that happen as children directly impact us as an adult. Comments made then can scar for a lifetime. My father was very physically abusive towards me while I was a child and I harbored ill will towards him until he recently passed away.

While my aunt Winifred (my fathers sister) visited me last week she answered questions about my dad that made me understand what he did to me and why. He unfortunately was caught in the viscous family cycle of pain himself passed down from his own father to him and his two brothers. They carried the pain and were never able to release it. My point is I know who I am and the emotional demons that followed him still reside in me. The difference is I recognise and understand what I need to do to release them so I can move on to be a better person. There are people that I love that have emotional demons they cannot part with.

Forgive the transgressions of your past and let the demons go, Your life will be fufilled with happiness and true friendship.

Derek Lee

CLIMBING THE MOUNTAIN

Thank you, thank you, thank you….. To all my true friends, family and loved ones. I have been to the presuppose of darkness and pushed over the edge by things of which I have no control over. Not unlike the musician that leaps from the stage at a concert into a sea of hands that hold them up, all of you stood your ground and refused to let me down. You shuttled me raised up to the bottom of the mountain and yelled climb!!! The touch, phone calls, e-mails, personal conversations lifted my spirits and showed me that I have imparted a small part of humanity in all of you thru friendship.

The importance of true friendship shines thru all, even thru the worst of what others do to you. Not one of you floundered and abandoned friendships or love and proved it by communicating during my time of pain. You have also shown that filling your life with superficial friends leaves you always looking for something to fill a huge void. I know that letting others judge you is not what I want and realize the greater value in being you. My past blog I made quote about surrounding oneself with friends and expecting nothing in return. I did not truly understand the importance until now.

Hit hard from a touching email from my former co-worker and friend Bruno Lucidarme at Hard Rock Tool. I saw him reach out to all of you in support of me in my time of need and understood then that people have compassion and that is what people that really care do for non-superficial friendships. They do it because they have character, honor, and integrity. He climbs mountains all thru California and the west coast states and chronicles his adventures with photos and personal journals of each and every climb so he can look back in time and have something to cherish and remember. A post he made in his journal about me as he climbed the mountain struck me. http://s43.photobucket.com/albums/e378/luciano136/Other%20-%20Hikes-Mountains/CA%20-%20White%20Mtn%20Peak%20-%20Jul%2019th%202009/ Bruno could have easily gotten lost in the expansive view and the vastness of beauty. He took the time to think about me and my journey instead of his own as he paid tribute to me instead. I am glad to be a part of his legacy forever in writing, photo, and memory. Thank you Bruno, keep sending the photos.

I told someone that I loved I had nothing else to offer the world and the only thing I would leave behind as my legacy was my house that I worked so hard to complete. She misunderstood me, I was wrong. As beautiful as it may be, brick, mortar, four walls and a roof do not define me. I completed my dreams and did my best to fulfill another’s to no avail. My legacy are the stories that I have with all of you. The ones that are untold and new memories yet to be made. I have the spirit of conviction knowing that those of you that have know me and my plight for many years are aware of the truth.

I am not seeking happiness like others because I have already found it in myself. Having the opportunity to speak with counselors to help understand the desire to please someone else my eyes can see clearly that unless someone else is willing to accept help and let their guard down to let someone into their heart there is nothing you can do for them.

Rest assure, with friends like you, I will never turn my back and run from adversity when times are toughest. Thanks for holding me high and helping me see thru the darkness of what is being done. I make a promise to all that know the truth. I will not give up. I’ll fight until the end. I am a man of honor, compassion, and truth. I don’t break promises.

By the way….. Thanks everybody that helped to “slap the rose colored beer goggles of love off my face!”

Keep a watchful eye for my next Blogs!!!!!! To the almost one hundred friends, family and strangers that have spoken to me, Thank you.

Derek

LEFT IN PAIN

Here is the beginning of the end for me. My world has been changed again for the worse. If any of you have not heard Roxanne has left me and moved out. The house will be up for sale and my dreams are being flushed away. Regrettably I am not dealing with this very well and have done what I can to keep my sanity by reaching out to as many of my friends and family as I could. This will be the last time I try to mend my broken heart by asking for anyone’s help. I have burdened many of you with my pain and it does not seem to be relieving any of what I feel. I am devoid of any other words to explain how afull this feels.

I have tried to speak to Roxanne to find answers but it is excruciatingly painful as she has moved on emotionally. The conversations end up with me distraught trying to understand the reasons for the decision. I am left feeling as though it is my entire fault for not listening to what she needed. I thought that I was a good person by letting Roxanne be herself and not trying to not and change her. She had controlled me and I let it happen to make thing easier on both of us "not" because I didn't want responsibility. I did not think I was a weak person by doing that however, it has been brought to my attention that I was wrong because that is something that shows weakness which is not a very desirable trait. My life is not some Sex in the City episode, its real life with no story book ending.

I understand that people change over time but I thought you worked things out when times got tough and molded relationships as time progressed. No one is the same person they were twenty years ago but you accept subtle changes as a part of them and work on the things that you do not like to make yourself a better person and keep the relationship alive. That is what I have always done trying to never hurt anyone.

I thought MS was the worst thing that could happen to me, and that time would help me deal with it. Knowing that someone would be there to help thru the strugles of MS was very comforting. Boy was I ever wrong. I was well on my way to taking charge of my life again just to have my foundation shattered. Physically I am worse off now than I was before I was diagnosed. Why me?, Why now?, What did I do wrong to deserve this?. These questions run over and over in my head every day. There are no answers.

I know that as with many marriages my life with Roxanne has had its ups and downs for sure but there were lots of good times too. I have enjoyed sharing my life with her and enjoyed making our dreams come true. It is very hurtful to me to see them all wasting away to a distant memory. I am not a callus person and find it hard to act like this is no big deal. My heart is torn from me and is crushed by what is happening. I could never turn away from someone in need no matter what.

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time! I have been told I complain too much about my health, Roxanne, I apologize. My Sister tried to make me realize that it is OK to tell someone how you feel and that is alright to share your pain and grief with people that really and truly care and love you! I do not want to be a burden to anyone.

My good friend Ty Egeseth has flown me to my sister’s house in NY to try and help me. He has come to my aid trying to help with no expectations for anything in return, just my friendship. Soon I will be traveling back to Orlando to try and piece my life together. Having so many uncertainties in my life is killing me! I hope that he and all that have tried to help me know how much it means to me to have wonderful friends. My life has been changed by all of you and I hope you will accept my gratitude. My wish is that you think of me as a funny, caring, loving person forever. For anyone that I have inadvertently harmed or done wrong please accept my apologies and forgive me.

Forgive me God for all my sins.

From the bottom of my heart,

Love

Derek Lee

Roxanne you win.....I am sorry