You Can't Go Home Again

Is it normal to feel like a failure if you do? What do my family and childhood friends think of me now? Do they look at me with pity or admiration because of what I am enduring? What do they say behind my back? Things like that run thru my mind during my lucid moments.

Clarity seems so extraordinarily hard to come by as I seek out a sense of some semblance of health and well being. Even writing this blog is an unbearable struggle just trying to form words and create a sentence that makes sense. Yet, I stumble on not quitting and praying for relief. Thank goodness for spell-check and auto type correction. LOL !

If you have read the Novel You Can't Go Home Again by Thomas Wolfe you understand my trepidation about returning to the place of my birth. In his book he wrote "You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood ... back home to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame ... back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time — back home to the escapes of Time and Memory."
“Nostalgic” Salamanca in lower western New York. A beautiful place nestled on the state line of Pennsylvania separated by the Catskill Mountains and the expansive Allegheny State Park. Majestic in the summer and view capturing in the winter.

I have made the transfer from my Sisters arms into the awaiting support of my extended family here in an even smaller town just outside of Salamanca called “Little Valley”… No Joke. Even smaller than home but beautiful in its own right! It even boasts a small Amish community on its outskirts. Every morning I get to hear the “Clickty-Clop! Clickty-Clop!” of a covered horse drawn buggy making its way down the rural towns main thoroughfare. I peer out the front bay windows to see what looks like a small Amish couple sitting side by side. She bundled with blanket wearing a bonnet, and he shrouded with what looks like a very youthful beard and light brimmed hat. Both riding expressionless other than their snowy “air-chilled” rose colored cheeks. They look content in there own cloths. Not trying to be something they’re not.

My Aunt Winifred and Uncle Chris have graciously rented me a small one bedroom apartment in a cute Victorian 19th century home right next door to them so they can keep an eye on me in case I need immediate help. My first step to try and stay independent.

I did not want to feel as a burden to my sister and brother-in-law any longer although I was reassured I wasn’t. My sister help me thru the toughest of times and I will never ever be able to repay the gratitude I have for her and Rich. We traveled back to Salamanca for my mothers 60th birthday party for a long weekend. Nieces in tow and me feeling way too anxious about leaving the comfort and safety of her for some more unknown.

With my 12 boxes of what were once my life and a heart full of dreams I set off on another chapter of uncertain and unwritten stories. The day finally arrives for Brandee, Rich and the girls to head 5-½ hrs north back to their home and lives. Hugs and kisses for all the girls, then a hand reaches for my brother-in-law Rich… but no!! We hug and I thank him man to man and tell him how proud I am that he and my sister have done so well. His hulking embrace squeezed so hard I swear I heard ribs crack. Then he whispered in my ear to stay strong…your going to make it. I will be all right, that things are going to be OK now you have your family surrounding you. His voice cracked while he whispered and I could feel the stream of tears rolling down my face. This coming from a man that has been in two wars and seen his share of death and destruction. Even through my own personal destruction he is concerned for the well being of others just like a soldier under his command. Funny thing is we wrote each other while he was in Afghanistan and I sent him the same sentiments. Now he returns the feelings unconditionally.

Packages of days gone by sitting on the floor of my new crib, I prepare for my first night of staying alone. I still have difficulty walking and unsteadiness trying to stand with my “new” onset symptom of Vertigo.
What a devilish prank it is to try and stand and have the room flip side to side and feel like you’re a big turd being flushed down the toilet because you feel like crap anyhow. It may have been fun as a child getting off a ride at the local Fair but now? Come on. I’ll pass thank you very much!!! Ill spare you the details of side effects of medicine that I’m on trying to treat it, but lets just say its not pretty. Dr Goodman is doing what he can to help with his vast bag of medical knowledge however nothing over promising yet. Even the “new” drug he helped to introduce. After my last visit I felt extremely disappointed when he uttered the words “ Derek Amprya wont help you!” So here I sit disappointed and hungry from the Mega dose of steroids he has put me on trying to calm down my latest MS exacerbation. I feel like a starving pig that can’t fill its belly…I’m so hungry I could eat the A#$ out of a dead Florida based “Skunk Monkey” Hee He!!!

Nasty taste in my mouth from drugs and such I push on not giving up hope.
I certainly long for the good times from the life I built, but friends call and people make sure I’m holding my head up ever so gently I persevere. Never surrender never say die!!!

So to the tales of You Can't Go Home Again, I would agree you cant go back there “mentally” because like time, things change and so do we. Its inevitable that things happen. Even Dr. Goodman stated we all get something. I unfortunately am one of the unlucky ones to get MS. But, why it must be the nature of things or Gods way of getting our attention and saying slow down, look at what I have made for you! If you don’t I may take it away. MS has brought me back to a place I strove to run away from. Bigger, better, brighter was what I thought. Its true there is all of those things out there but sadly at the cost of losing touch with family and friends. Fortunately for me family and friends look past the disease and see Derek Nickerson. After seeing so many people and looking at them look at me I realize the only thing that has changed is me. They all love me for me and know my heart and the kind of person I am! Thank You Loved ones and Friends, Thank you!

Derek

“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.” PAULO COELHO