Buzz-Kill

Enough is enough already!!! On the heals of my emotional high I get kicked in the you know what’s. Here is how it goes, I woke up last week and had to use the restroom. It was still dark outside, I roll over and put my feet on the floor and try to stand up to make my way to do my business. Both feet down and ready to go… boom! I hit the floor. What the crap I’m on the floor. I grabbed the side of the bed and sit there for a while and try again. I could not stand up. Now I am in a panic but try not to freak out. I pull myself into the bed and lay there until it starts to get light outside.

With the darkness fading to daylight I figure the unbearable sensation of having to pee it’s time to try the trip one more time. This time I sit up slowly and repeat the process. I gradually stood, this time the floor was solid. As I shuffled to the bathroom I look outside and thought it was still dark. It wasn’t until I turned my head I realized that I could only see from my left eye clearly. I turned the light on in the bathroom and stare into the mirror. I try and cover my left eye and look out my right. It was looking thru gray plastic wrap. I try and focus straight ahead but all I could see was a blackish gray spot. Now I am in a panic. What am I going to do, I need help.

Panicked but not hysterical I open the drawer and take several Advil. Returning to bed I contemplate my next move. I call my neurologist and leave a message to call me ASAP I need to get in there and need help. The return phone call was a huge relief as I was able to get in to see them right away. I was scheduled for another three day round of Solu-medrol steroids at the hospital to help with the attack. A new MRI was also ordered and will be scheduled in the next two weeks. Very forlorn experience!

By the second day of infusions I was able to see but not clearly. My head hurts like heck and I have a hard time remembering anything. The second worse part is I now can barely move my left arm and hand. The numbness has engulfed my abdomen, neck, shoulders and back now. It seems as though my arch nemesis does not like me making mental strides in the positive direction. I am trying to keep my wits and humor as best that I can, however, it’s very hard to find after this move in the chess match between MS and myself. I cannot believe how lonely this has made me feel.

While at the doctors they diagnosed me with Ataxia http://www.mult-sclerosis.org/ataxia.html so I have all that come with it to look forward to. Great add that to my plate. I am still trying to stay positive but I am finding very difficult not to become cynical. My depression level has increased and feels like it’s working on holding my head under water and not letting me breath. This cannot be happening to me. I have done nothing to my immune system to deserve this punishment. Maybe after all the years of me being “Mr. Nice Guy” its time for me to suffer for being too nice.

My shining light in the fight is my family and friends that call and check on me to make sure I am all right. Thanks to Bruno people that I do not even know that send letters, post cards, and e-mails of encouragement keep me going. The only thing they cannot help with is the overwhelming lonesomeness.

I try to combat the feeling by attending church counseling for my personal issues and seeing my medical therapist for guidance mentally. I thought I could be a tough guy and try and handle my illness alone by using humor to pretend it would never catch me. I underestimated my immune system and its powerful abilities. It seems as though I am in for a long run. (No pun intended)

I made a promise to all of you to keep fighting and never give up. I beg of you to not turn your backs on me. I am struggling to retain my independence!! I need your help to "stay in the saddle".

What a buzz-kill!!!!

Keep praying for me friends,
Derek


“Life is too short to wake up with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, Forget the ones who don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy…….they just promised it would be worth it.”